Sad

The birthday dinner was so wonderful last night. Most everyone showed up, and the room was full of a constant conversational buzz, and lots of love. I held back a lot of tears all day long yesterday, and only shed a couple last night at dinner when my cousin prayed, especially because when she was done and I looked up (sitting across from my dad), I saw him wiping his tears and I just can't handle it when my dad cries.

Almost as soon as we got in the car to head home, the tears just started streaming down my face. I was trying hard to stop, but they just kept coming...and coming. I dried off my face shortly before arriving home, but that didn't last long. A few minutes after we got home, V offered a hug (which are quite powerful if you've never had a hug from him), and I just fell apart. Weeping. I just couldn't stop. I am just plain sad that he's gone. It was late and I needed to shower, so I peeled myself off of V and got in the shower...still crying. Brushed my teeth, whist crying. I can't remember the last time I felt this sad. Just straight up sad. My heart is sad, my head is sad, my everything is just sad. I cried some more before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I was supposed to meet Savannah for bfast this morning, but I just didn't want to get out of bed. I've accepted that I need to just give myself time to be sad and that it's okay to be sad right meow.

When I finally stopped snoozing (every 5 minutes from 8:00 until 9:20), I dragged myself out of bed and came out into the living room to hear quite Christmas music. It slowed me down and I walked out to where we've had V's Sirius Satellite radio plugged in, and sure enough, it was on and playing "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland". I texted V and asked if he had it on before he left for work and he said no. I'm taking it as a sign (or even a gift) from someone looking out for me, hoping to cheer me up a bit.

I haven't really been in the picture-taking mood lately and I apologize. So today I will share this adorable picture with you, of little Jessicat and Santa.

I can't believe Christmas is in 5 days.